You take your seat in the theater, and it hits you that you’re going to be SITTING IN THIS SEAT FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS. Can you sit for that long without having to get up to pee? You’d hate to miss something really important, something crucial to the plot. Maybe you should go now? Do you even need to pee? Will people think you’re weird if you get up after you just sat down?

Two hours. You’re bound to get thirsty. Maybe you could go pee and get a drink of water. If you do, will that make you have to pee before the movie ends? In which case you’ve defeated the whole purpose of the pre-movie pee.

Meanwhile you take in the theatre’s Egyptian Tomb motif: three “faux finished marble columns, textured divit walls with Egyptian Hieroglyphics painted in great detail.” This read earlier on The Complex website. The doorway you’d walked through, beneath a red and white exit light, was the tomb itself, through which a handful of people trickle, adorned in handsome mall attire, jangly jewelry, beanies and fedoras. Hair extremely short or long regardless of its owner’s gender. The odd heavy frat boy with his heavy sorority counterpart, loafers and deck shoes, stripes and polos. They stare at their phones or talk remotely, bump through the aisles, fall into their seats.

Back to the issue. You decide okay, whatever, you’re going to stay put.

But why this seat? Sure, you can see okay now, but there’s a good seven, eight minutes before the movie starts, and that’s just the previews. Who knows who’ll be coming in late and sitting down right in front of you? You suspect that those seats behind you and to the right are better. But what if you go back there and those seats are no better, and you come back to this seat and somebody’s taken it?

Jesus, why didn’t you just wait for the movie to come out on DVD?