Cultural Activities in Europe

Sweden: April 30: Walpurgis Night — all around Sweden, bonfires are lighted and people mark the end of winter and coming of spring by singing and masturbating.

Spain: Rocio Pilgrimage in Almonte — thousands journey on horseback or in ox carts to pay homage at the Shrine of Our Lady. Security provided by the Hell’s Angels.

Austria: July 24-Aug. 31 — Salzburg Festival — performing arts — including concerts, opera, and theater — celebrating the preservative powers of salt.

Cyprus: August: Revival of Aphrodite Rituals in Pafos — traditional celebration includes a parade, feasts, songs and dances in the mythical birthplace of the goddess. Highlights include the sacrifice of an Olympic-caliber gymnast.

Finland: July 3-Aug. 1: Savonlinna Festival — seed spitting contests, spitting contests, and contests to see who can keep their mouth open the longest without drooling. New exhibit this year: The History of Frothing.

Estonia: July 7-11: Ollesummer, at Talinn Cathedral — village residents hang out on the steps and talk about what TV shows they watched last night.

Greece: June-October: Epidermis Conference — symposia on skin and why it’s good to have on your body.

Switzerland: April 18-19: Sechselauten Zurich — traditional spring contest to see who can engage in the loudest sex.