It was the night of the talent show. I was ready. I’d practiced the song on my guitar countless times. I could play it in my sleep. Backstage, all the other kids were nervous and scared, but not me. I walked around poking them in the back and watching them jump. Then I’d laugh.
The first performer was a third grader named Tatiana. She wore a red tutu and tap-danced to “I Gotta Be Me.” Halfway through the song, when she was really tapping and sliding hard, one of the shoes flew off and smacked Principal Loring in the head. The song sounded unfamiliar with one shoe missing.
After the ambulance left, a sixth grader named Arturo got on stage. He recited haiku that he had written himself. He spoke of the sun and raised his hands upward. He spoke of flowers and put his hands toward the ground. This went on for forty-five minutes. When he finally finished, the audience gave him a big round of applause.
At last it was my turn. I jumped onto the stage and shouted, “What song is it you wanna hear?” Nobody said anything. Finally an infant in the front row said “Jingle Bells.” A mother in the fourth or fifth row said, “Onward Christian Soldiers.”
“I heard it that time,” I lied. I launched into the first notes of “Freebird.” I was catching every note perfectly, strumming hard. The talent show trophy was going to be mine.
Just as I drew in my breath to sing the first line, a string broke. It flew up and popped me right in the mouth. “OW!” I yelled. Several people laughed, as if this were funny. I glared at them. I didn’t have another string with me, and I didn’t want to lose momentum, so I went ahead with the song. “Ip I leabe here toborrow,” I sang.
My lip was numb. It was growing fatter by the second. Now a lot of people were laughing. This made me angry, but I kept on singing. “I bust be trabeling on, dow.” The whole audience was laughing now, and I was getting angrier and angrier. Finally I shouted, “Ith dot fubby! Ith wok ‘n’ woll!” I marched off the stage to howls of laughter.
Would you know it? I won the talent show trophy for my “comedy act.”
